she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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