I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
