I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
