What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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