ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
