My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
