people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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