I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
