oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
