Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
