I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
