why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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