I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
