If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
