Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
