why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
