I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
