I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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