tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
