You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
