I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You ruined the universe
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
