if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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