There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
