after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
