U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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