He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
