Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
