Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
