I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
