Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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