you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
