no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
