i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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