its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
