totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
