I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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