And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
