I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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