i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
