Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
