I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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