I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize