we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
