I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize