I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
