I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
