i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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