as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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