Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
