Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
