You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize