Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
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