oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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