you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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