and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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