There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
