so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
