i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
