my phone needs a breathalizer
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
