Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
