I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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