he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
try to milk me bitch
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